Alas, another year is nearly tapped. As we look back upon the year 2011, let’s be thankful for some of the ridiculousness we can put behind us and look ahead to what might be cool about 2012 and beyond:
A brief round-up of 2011:
1. Michael Jackson’s physician/drug dealer was finally sentenced to jail. Haven’t we dragged out the drama of the King of Pop’s death long enough? Let him rest in peace, or at the very least, let him resurface as a zombie akin to his likeness in the “Thriller” video. No doubt this media darling and tabloid fodder will captivate us even in un-death. Remember the “Zombieland” cardinal rule of the double-tap.
2. The Charlie Sheen thing was a very short-lived fad. His 15 minutes of fame surrounding his departure from “Two and a Half Men”barely lasted 15 seconds, and tickets for his stand-up show in Detroit sold so poorly that his catchphrase should be “Duh, losing.”
3. Osama bin Laden is finally dead. As Forrest Gump would say, “That’s all I have to say about that.”
4. The “Harry Potter” movie franchise is finally done. Or is it??? The actors haven’t been passable as kids for quite a while; and though the franchise had a fantastic and most importantly to movie bigwigs, a lucrative run, it’s time to move on and make room at Hogwarts for other aspiring wizards. Now make with the movies with nude scenes by Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe already! What better way for the Harry Potter alums to fight typecasting? Emma Watson would be so sexy as a nymphomaniac junkie.
5. The “Hobbit” movie comes out in 2012, which won’t seem so far off once it actually is 2012. We can also look forward to the next “Batman” movie, too. Let’s hope Christopher Nolan doesn’t make his first film that sucks.
6. At least a few of the ass-clowns attempting to become president are now out of the running. Good riddance, Herman Cain, Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. I still haven’t forgiven Sarah Palin for the unpardonable offense of sharing my birthday. Bitch.
7. Another “Royal” wedding is over. Now to focus on the royal offspring, which is, of course, so important to the daily lives of everyone on Earth. Groan.
8. The Kardashian-Humphries marriage came to an end before we even had a chance to watch them fight about which one of them is prettier, hear yet another sad-sack in-law complain about how bitchy and controlling matriarch Kris Kardashian is, and watch the predictable, disastrous drama unfold when Kris is allowed to have a spare key to one of her children’s homes. Oh yeah, their divorce (hopefully) means that their union will not result in a baby. Not that marriage is a requirement….anyway… Too bad “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I cry for the days when celebrities were expected to have at least a smidgen of real talent. Let’s thank Paris Hilton for showing that rich socialites could become celebrities simply by having sex tapes.
9. Human Rights tyrant poster child Kim Jong-il is dead. Let’s hope his death not only opens the doors of this long-closed country, but allows for North Koreans to, at the very least, start eating decent meals. Larger goals would be for the country’s practices of torture and imprisonment to end, too. He made late Chilean leader Augusto Pinochet look like his BFF, though Pol Pot and Hitler would have taken him to school in terms of human rights violations and genocide. If you would like to learn more about this tiny dictator in a hilarious way, check out the youtube videos of him from the 2004 film “Team America: World Police.” He did not actually kill Hans Blix, as was depicted in the film when he fell through a trap door into a shark tank. Though Jong-il probably thought about killing him in this manner.
10. This space intentionally left blank. Why don’t you, dear readers, help provide reason no. 10 🙂