What if Charlie Brown and the “Peanuts” gang grew up?

Note: Portions of the following article appeared in The Id fanzine created by Mike, aka “Pastor Vile” and myself and was originally published in 2000 as part of a eulogy for “Peanuts” creator Charles M. Schulz. Some minor modifications have been  made to the original article. Note to courtroom jockeys – this is intended to be satirical – any similarities to any living, dead, imaginary or undead persons is strictly coincidental.

I DON’T WANNA GROW UP I’M A “PEANUTS” KID

The “Peanuts” gang is decidedly a troubled bunch. One can only guess that their childhood angst will only turn them into twisted fucks (especially if you’re as pessimistic as we are). Here’s how we think they would turn out if they grew up:

“YOUR LIFE’S A SOAP, CHARLIE BROWN

After years of tormenting poor Chuck, Lucy grants him a sympathy fuck. But he blows his load early, and Lucy pulls the football away from him and calls him a “blockhead.” She threatens to cry rape and hit him up for child support unless she can convince Schroeder, her piano-playing unrequited crush since childhood, to marry her. The pregnant Lucy tricks Schroeder into believing the baby is his by getting him drunk enough to pass out while listening to Beethoven’s Ninth. When the date rape drugs wear off and he comes to, she’s of course in bed next to him – in true soap opera form. One month later, she announces to Schroeder that she is pregnant. Schroeder knows that a wife and child will crush those homosexual rumors circulating about him, so he forgoes a paternity test and marries her. Charlie Brown is thus off the hook. This child’s sparsely haired round head, depression and apparent lack of  musical talent raise Schroeder’s eyebrows. But by then, he’s so distracted by his world tour with the Sacramento Symphony Orchestra and groupies leaning against his baby grand he doesn’t care. Lucy pays a nanny with Schroeder’s concert pianist and composing earnings to raise their strange, depressed, round-headed daughter. Ms. Van Pelt becomes a school counselor who gets paid to dispense advice no better than the advice she dished up at her “Psychiatric Help 5 cents” stand as a little girl.

In the meantime, Charlie Brown gives up on women (except little red-haired girls, more on this later) completely and forgets about his one-night stand with Lucy. He becomes assistant manager of a shoe store. Following an inside tip from longtime lesbian friend Peppermint Patty (who still calls him “Chuck”), he buys shares of Birkenstock stock, making enough money to start his own co-ed baseball team. His stocks end up making him rich enough to have any little red-haired girl he wants, though his team never wins. He consoles himself by fucking little red-haired girls in huge piles of cash. When he is at the airport getting ready to fly to Acapulco with Snoopy, his bald head gets him mistaken for being a member of the Hari Krishna Red Lotus Flower terrorist group. Snoopy gets kicked out the airport because dogs are not allowed, but Charlie Brown gets sent to the Guantanamo Bay detainment camp in Cuba for torture and interrogation.

SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA SNOOPY

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Snoopy learns from a REAL airport Hari Krishna that in past lives, he was a World War I flying ace, astronaut, figure skater, “Beagle Scout” leader, tennis player, baseball shortstop, motocross champion, author and of course, “Joe Cool.” He then gets kicked out the airport because dogs aren’t allowed. He devotes his life to meditation, finding spirituality, paying off his Karmic debt, leaving the circle of reincarnation, and reaching Nirvana. He becomes Dalai Lama and frees Tibet by biting the Chinese until they leave. He is, after all, still a dog. When he dies, he truly does find spiritual enlightenment, leaves the Karmic wheel and ascends into Nirvana, only to see the “No Dogs Allowed” sign.

SISTER CHRISTIAN

Charlie Brown’s confused little sister Sally gets convicted of aggravated stalking at age 19 after one too many attempts to make Linus her “sweet baboo.” After her release, she puts on weight, is “born again” and becomes a pitchwoman for a Christian “feed the children” agency. Ever confused with words, she calls every starving child her “sweet baboon,” which raises concerns from anti-racism watchdog groups, who wind up torching her home with her inside of it.

THE TOMBOYS ARE ALL RIGHT

Peppermint Patty, the sandal-clad lesbian tomboy of the “Peanuts” gang becomes a girls’ volleyball coach who drives a Subaru Forester; and Marcie, who still calls her “sir,” becomes a Disney accountant because of its same-sex partner policy. They save money for Hawaii – where they can live as legal spouses. Marcie still secretly fantasizes about good old Charlie Brown.

SMACK, SMACK SUGAR SMACK

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Lucy’s philosophical blanket-carrying younger brother becomes a heroin addict. Lucy’s regular beatings, Sally’s stalking and the relentless teasing about his blanket and thumb-sucking took a devastating toll. He hits rock bottom in a poorly-furnished Edinburgh flat, where he used his tattered security blanket remnants to tie off and shoot up while his friend Begbie beat up everyone and a sick baby that did 180s with its head crawled on a ceiling. Linus wound up kicking his habit and choosing life, but not without a lot of scary hallucinations. Just watch Trainspotting.

RERUNNING TO STAND STILL

Linus and Lucy’s younger and seldom seen brother Rerun becomes a masochist biker toy boy. He always insists on riding on the back of a woman’s bike, not unlike his childhood experiences on the back of his adrenaline junkie Mom’s bike. There’s just something about the head rush he gets from clutching a hot biker mama while balancing a bag of groceries on his leather clad legs. He even begs his woman to hit the potholes. Truly a sick individual.

WASH THAT FILTH RIGHT OUTTA THE STRIP

Pig Pen ends up dying of cholera at age 9 from not washing his hands after using the bathroom. His trail of filth wound up lingering for a few years after his death.

TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

Franklin, the comic strip’s first black character, becomes a running back for a pro football team and a mediocre actor. He lost it one night after seeing his estranged wife with a Jewish “friend.” A high-profile criminal trial found him not guilty of slashing them to death, but a civil trial found him “liable.” He golfs with borrowed clubs and loses his football trophy to the plaintiff, the victim’s father. What a broken shell of a token character he turned out to be.

FRIEDA, PATTY, SHERMY AND WOODSTOCK

Who cares about any of them? Okay, Frieda gets her naturally curly hair straightened. Though she made a decent living for quite a while as Barbra Streisand’s stunt double, she became irritated at the unreasonable demands of working with the notoriously difficult actor and got a nose job, too. Woodstock’s habitat gets destroyed by urban sprawl and “bigfoot” homes and his species became extinct. Just like now, nobody noticed. Now leave us alone. Good fucking grief.

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