NOTE TO COURTROOM JOCKEYS: ALL ID MATERIAL IS INTENDED TO BE SATIRICAL. ANY SIMILARITIES TO PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS; LIVING, DEAD OR UNDEAD; IS STRICTLY COINCIDENTAL.
Originally published in “The Id,” 2000.
San Jose, Calif. – From the Dissociated Press – A 7-year-old boy who said he was fed up with doing the crab walk in gym class could face criminal hacking charges for creating a threatening message that scared the living crap out of computer users from across the globe.
The message read, “No more crab walk races in gym classes or I’ll nuke the school!” It would have been dismissed as a prank had it not appeared on strategic defense computers worldwide in locations such as the Pentagon, Los Alamos, the Kremlin and Easter Island.
“It even appeared on all of the stuff we built using stolen U.S. technology,” said a Chinese spy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, and was later shot.
More frightening were the message’s follow-up diagrams and photographs of what appeared to be a homemade nuclear device. After a 92-hour worldwide search, the message was traced to a computer at a residence in San Jose, Calif. Finding the computer was no easy task. It took all of the world’s computer hackers working non-stop to locate it. NORAD was under heavy duty paranoid watch during the whole ordeal.
“That was the hardest hack I’ve ever done,” said “Mudge,” a famous hacker and gray operative for the Pentagon. The culprit, a 7-year-old boy named Billy Mann, was apprehended at 3:20 a.m. June 3 by local SWAT teams, the National Guard, the Delta Force and the A-Team.
Mann immediately confessed – and wet his pants.
“I hated crab walking in gym classes – it’s stupid,” Mann said, crying, while being interrogated by the press. “I hate Mr. (Phys Ed. teacher Bud) Fernwiller – he’s mean.”
San Jose residents and people across the globe were relieved to learn a 7-year-old boy who just hated doing the crab walk was the culprit, not international terrorists.
“I never liked doing the crab walk either,” said Rhonda Stevenson, a systems analyst. “It always made my hands all gritty.”
No amount of relief, however, can clean the millions of pairs of soiled pants soiled worldwide when the threats appeared on computer screens.
Los Alamos officials said the device was capable of destroying the entire San Jose area. It was described as the “biggest fucking bomb” they’d ever seen.
“Jesus Christ this thing is huge,” said Joshua Gage, a Los Alamos engineer. “It’s almost impossible to believe something this fucking big exists! I’m shocked it doesn’t fucking collapse under its own weight! It’s like something out of a fucking cartoon.”
More shocking, experts said, was how Billy learned to build the nuclear weapon.
“I learned everything on the Internet,” said Mann. “It’s cool. I wanted to find a warhead and that auction site was selling lots of parts from Russia for cheap. It also had books on-line on how to build a bomb. I looked them up with ‘Ask Jeeves.'”
Mann’s parents said they were shocked.
“I thought he was just learning about stuff for school,” said his mother, Anita Mann. “We were so happy he was using the computer, since his older brother Brad stopped using it after we blocked all of the porno sites.”
His father, Larry Mann, expressed shock and relief.
“I’m so glad he didn’t turn out like his twin brother Timmy,” Mann said. His twin brother, he said, ran off with the 52-year-old soccer coach me met in a pedophile chat room. “I sure wish Timmy would write sometime – and not just on holidays.”
Billy expressed remorse.
“I’m sorry (my message) got on all those computers,” said Mann, brushing away tears from his large doe-like eyes while snacking on Oreos and milk. “I thoguht those guys I met online were just joking when they told me how to get on any computer. It looked too easy,” he said.
San Jose Consolidated School District Superintendent Sandra Woodworth said the nuclear device’s targeting computer has been brought off-line and the school is under no threat.
“Just to be on the safe side, there will no longer be crab walk races in gym class,” Woodworth said.
Gym teacher Fernwiller locked himself inside of his ’50s-era bomb shelter. He could not be reached for comment.