Psychopathic Teens plan proms, class reunions “to die for”

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NOTE TO COURTROOM JOCKEYS: ALL ID MATERIAL IS INTENDED TO BE SATIRICAL. ANY SIMILARITIES TO PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS; LIVING, DEAD OR UNDEAD; IS STRICTLY COINCIDENTAL.

Originally published in “The Id,” circa 2000. Artwork by Mike Robinson.

From the Dissociated Press

CALLIOPE, MI – Many high school seniors dream of having a prom to die for. But in the case of a group of seniors in the small town of Calliope, they took the meaning of the phrase a little too literally.

Five teenagers – all 17 and 18 – were charged with open murder in nearby Granite City’s 17th District Court. All are said to be responsible for plotting to murder and killing popular students so that they would have a first-class prom and future class reunions in posh settings. It was only after they had their prom at the Granite City Hotel and Casino that the story about the murder plots come to light.

“Someone apparently told these kids that the key to having a good prom and class reunion is to have someone popular in their class die,” said Calliope Police Chief Clancy Taylor, adding that such deaths generate generous community donations to the child’s graduating class. “No one was dying of natural causes, so these kids decided to speed things along.”

Charged were Stephanie Kay Burton, 17; Timothy Alan Sonnenfeld, 18; Barry Earl Lynch, 18; Amanda Zucker, 18; and David Paul Holland, 17. All stood mute on the charges and all were charged with three counts each of open murder and conspiracy to commit murder.

Burton was treasurer of the senior class and was responsible for handling money, including money donated to the class in memory of any dead students. Burton also was described by her peers as being particularly interested in art, films and Vincent Price.

“Shut up, you blood-sucking vipers,” Burton shouted at reporters following the proceedings. The other teens ducked out to smoke weed behind the courthouse and declined to comment.

Geoffrey Phuyger, the attorney representing the teens, said the prosecution does not have a solid case.

“So they managed to extract a so-called murder plot from one of their computers. So they found witnesses who overheard them planning all of this. so one of the defendants worked in an auto repair shop and learned how to tamper with brakes. So explosive fertilizers were found on the property of one of the defendants. That doesn’t prove anything! All of the deceased kids were victims of unfortunate accidents.”

The teens are charged with killing and plotting to kill three teen-agers, all described as popular by their peers. Their deaths shook the small community and prompted mourners to establish memorial scholarships and to donate generously to the class of 2000 so as not to appear callous to their gossip-mongering neighbors.

Calliope High School Principal Joe Clarke said the slain students generated upwards of $75,000 in donations to the senior class. Much of that was spent on the prom, but donations continue to pour in via donations for memorial scholarship funds.

Amy Elizabeth Evans, 16; swallowed cyanide in what was then thought to be a suicide attempt on April 23, 1998. A suicide note found at the scene was revealed to be a forgery when investigators learned that the cheerleader, National Honor Society member and classical guitarist was not the least bit depressed. She dated thespian Adam Hodgson, who starred in many school theatrical productions. He most recently starred as Curley in “Oklahoma!”

Investigators said Amy’s alleged murderers attempted to find more popular students after Amy’s death didn’t generate the donations they’d hoped for. So they allegedly bumped off Brian Anthony Marr, 16; on Sept. 22, 1998.

Is appeared he drove off a cliff. Alcohol was though to be the culprit after police found a case of empty beer cans scattered throughout the car. But investigators later discovered that the brake lines of his car had been deliberately cut.

Marr was the star quarterback for the Calliope High School varsity football team as well as a guard for the varsity basketball team. Marr and his girlfriend, glee club singer Sandra Morrissey, as being inseparable.

Jennifer Marie Page, 15; died Dec. 29, 1997 while milking her cows on her parents’ farm. The exploding barn was blamed on methane gas from the cows and some mysterious fertilizer that investigators found had nothing whatsoever to do with farming. Convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh was questioned and released.

Page was a girls’ soccer player, winner of the Miss Calliope pageant in 1997 and was a colorguard in the high school marching band. friends said plants and horticulture were her passion, and she spent several hours weekly at her greenhouse. She dated Jake Bonham, also a soccer player.

Attempts by The Id staff to reach the dead students for comment via Ouija Board were unsuccessful.

Some Calliope High School students didn’t seem to care about the murdered students – or anything else, for that matter.

“If you ask me, those murdered kids got what they deserved,” said junior Seth Greenwald, while huffing brake fluid fumes from a paper sack in a wooded area near the school. “Their best days were probably going to be in high school anyway. Best to put ’em out of their misery while everyone thinks they’re fucking golden children. Me, my best days are ahead of me,” he added, as he choked and “fished out” on the ground, with brake fluid canister in his hand.

In Calliope High’s computer laboratory, hacker Bill Goetz said he was relieved he wasn’t one of the murdered students.

“Better them than me,” he said. “besides, we had someone die of leukemia last year. I’m sure my prom will be somewhere good, like the Indian casino. All I have to worry about is getting a date,” Goetz added.

Junior goth chick Alicia MacCarthy said death is a “beautiful thing.”

“I’m jealous of those kids,” McCarthy said, while smoking a clove cigarette and somehow simultaneously painting her fingernails black in the girls’ bathroom. “I wish I was dead too. Not dead, dead – but cool, goth vampire dead. That would be cool.”

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