Disney Princesses – the doped-up, the girly, and the bad-ass…

Disney princesses – those damsels you love to love if you are in the ages 3 and up demographic – or hate. Chances are if you are a female person, you’ve been exposed to a Disney princess at some point in your life. The first encounter with a Disney princess I remember was Snow White in the mid 1970s, when I saw “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” at a small-town movie theater. I was enthralled – the singing, the colors, and most of all – the evil queen. I was kind of a strange little girl, rather than worship the main protagonist Snow White, I was much more fascinated with the evil queen, who tricks Snow White with poison apples, disguises and evil curses. When my neighbor friend used to come over to play on our swing set, we’d pretend the evil queen was in the woods behind the swing set and use that as motivation to swing as high as we could – so she wouldn’t get us. In short, the evil queen was the absolute BALLS in my 4 year old mind! But not all little girls shared my views on Disney princesses, as evidenced by the live-action remake after remake featuring Disney princesses debuting in movie theaters. Evidently princess worship is a pretty huge thing. But just who ARE all of these lovely women? Below is a list of all of the “official” Disney princesses to date (April 2017).

Snow White, 1937, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She is a character based on the Grimm Brothers fairy tale “Schneewittchen.”  Youngest of the official Disney princesses, she spends her days singing and cleaning up after dwarfs, who are really sloppy (did you have to leave your wet towel wadded up in the corner of the bathroom, Dopey?). She is also vexed by an awesome evil queen, whom I already mentioned earlier. She winds up in a coma or something kind of like Sleeping Beauty. Or is it a death spell? Too many horse tranquilizers? God it’s been so long since I’ve actually seen this one…

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Cinderella, 1950. Based on the Grimm Brothers tale “Cendrillon,” Cinderella has step-sisters named Drizella and Anastasia and marries into royalty when she marries Prince Charming.  I appreciate that she actually does real work and has a shitty life before marrying Prince Charming, but she still won’t win any accolades from feminists, either.

cinderella

Aurora, (aka Sleeping Beauty), Sleeping Beauty, 1959. Aurora is the daughter of a king and marries Prince Philip. Not the most interesting of Disney princesses, imho, this apparent narcoleptic sleeps through nearly the entire film and just marries a guy who’ll solve all of her problems. The 2014 live action film “Malificent” is another take on this tale, from the antagonist’s point of view.

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Ariel, The Little Mermaid 1989. Based on a Hans Christian Anderson tale, she is the daughter of King Triton. She marries a guy named Eric, and is the first Disney princess to have children. NOTE – the crab and fish are NOT her children…I guess on the laserdisc version of this movie you can see some X-rated stuff or something…and the original VHS cover shows a penis or something (don’t quote me on this). And if you still have a working laserdisc AND VHS player in your house? Seriously? You may have a hoarding problem!

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Belle, Beauty and the Beast, 1991. Bookworm Belle hooks up with the Beast despite Gaston’s incessant pursuit of her affections. I was seriously kind of wigged out seeing the animated furniture in the trailer for this movie. La Fou, a sidekick of Gaston (one of Belle’s suitors) is Disney’s first gay character, which some people think is a big deal. I just don’t happen to like Josh Gad. He already voiced Olaf, he doesn’t need to be playing this guy, too, but I digress! Belle winds up marrying Prince Adam, I have no problems with this woman, she likes books, and doesn’t mind the “grumpy” guys, lol…

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Jasmine, Aladdin, 1992. Jasmine is the daughter (and only child) of the Sultan of Agrabah. When she marries Aladdin, a commoner (the son of the self-styled “King of Thieves” notwithstanding), he gains the title Prince Consort. She enjoys going on magic carpet rides in her spare time, and listening to the unending banter of the genie voiced by Robin Williams. Really, she doesn’t enjoy it that much, in her fed up moments (as seen below), she probably covers her ears and says shutupshutupshutup! RIP Robin Williams, we all loved you, but sometimes your schtick could be a bit much for humans and princesses alike!

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Pocahontas, 1995.  She is the first Disney Princess to have been based (loosely) on a real person, instead of a fairy tale. She is a Powhatan Native American, and she is the first Disney Princess to have two “princes” (John Smith and John Rolfe, though only the former is an official Disney Prince). Two Princes? Is THIS what that stupid Spin Doctors song is about? Uh no…God that song is awful… The real life story of Pocahontas is not quite so Disney friendly, but I’m not going to get into that here. But she had TWO dudes going after her, which is pretty sexually progressive for a Disney joint!

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Mulan, 1998. AKA Ming-Na We, Mulan is (to date) the only Disney Princess who does not hold the title of Princess in one form or another. However, she does earn the non-noble title of Imperial Consul. Her eventual marriage to General Li Shang (also non-noble) does not grant her any titles either. She seems to have a healthy love of swordplay, which makes her a pretty awesome princess in my book! Mulan and Shang are the only non-royal Disney couple in the Disney Princess franchise. Royalty is overrated…

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Tiana, The Princess and the Frog, 2009. She becomes Princess Consort upon her marriage to Prince Naveen. She is the most modern of all princesses due to living in 1920s New Orleans, and is the first American and first black princess. Look for her during Mardi Gras flashing her tits and her purple and gold beads and yelling “woo” repeatedly…

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Rapunzel, Tangled, 2010. She was removed from her parent’s custody as a baby, only to be reunited in her teens. She is strong-willed and her preferred weapon is a frying pan.  Strong willed, beats people with cookware? I think I like her! Pssst…Rapunzel…go for the cast iron, girl! A nice cast iron griddle to the face will send a nice message the recipient will not soon forget! As the only child of the King and Queen of Corona, she eventually marries Eugene, giving him the title of Prince Consort.

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Merida, Brave, 2012. Merida is a Princess by blood; firstborn of King Fergus of DunBroch. Does not have a romantic interest in the film (go ahead and jump to your own conclusions here). This girl clearly does not need a man – she’s got her bow and her bad-ass archery skills!  That hair, though…ugh.

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Now let’s talk about the “Disney Dudes!” AKA Disney Princes…

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Pocahontas making out with John Rolfe

Prince Ferdinand – aka Prince Florian, Snow White; Prince Charming, aka Prince Henry, Cinderella; Prince Phillip, Sleeping Beauty; Prince (later a king) Eric, The Little Mermaid; The Beast (aka Prince Adam), Beauty and the Beast; Sultan Aladdin, Aladdin; John Smith, Pocahontas; John Rolfe, Pocahontas; Li Shang, Mulan; Prince Naveen, The Princess and the Frog; Prince (Consort) Eugene Fitzherbert, Rapunzel; Kristoff, Frozen (not a real prince).

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